


Best Friends

by Sajo



Series: Etcetera [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Boys In Love, Fluff, Friendship, High School, Korean Characters, M/M, Pining, Slice of Life, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 14:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3123899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sajo/pseuds/Sajo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Junhwan and Gyungtae have been best friends for a long time. Their steady friendship remains in peaceful equilibrium, until Gyungtae figures he's in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

Junhwan is my best friend.

We knew each other before we could even walk. Our mothers are in the same reading circle. Our fathers are senior managers in the same company. We lived in the same neighborhood before we moved to the same fancy, glittering, tall-as-fuck apartment complex. 

We've always attended the same schools. We celebrate our March birthdays together. We went to the same taekwondo academy, and we earned our black belts on the same day, one week before we started our second year of middle school. Even when our extracurriculars diverged in high school, when he joined the judo club and I the basketball team, we always try to go to each other's competitions and games. We share pretty much everything—our time, our secrets, our clothing and toys and books and food and even our parents. 

Junhwan is my best friend, my constant.

When we hang out together, it feels like home. His laugh uplifts me, and with him standing tall beside me it feels like nothing can bring us down. We know each other too well: all the strengths and faults and likes and dislikes and schedules and habits. We've been joined at the hip for as long as I can remember, and I can't imagine a world where he isn't by my side. Sometimes I feel like I can't find the clear demarcation between his and my self.

My pencil twitches in my grip and suddenly I can't seem to concentrate on the last test marking the end of spring. I glance to my right, where Junhwan is diligently bent over his own answer sheet.

He has a strong profile. His perpetually messy, wavy brown mop of hair hangs in front of his eyes. He's sucking at his bottom lip, a distracting habit of his that I've started noticing a couple years ago. His pen looks tiny in his left hand.

Junhwan is my best friend, the constant in my life, and I can't imagine not loving him.

But something's changed. I think.

He pauses, looks up at me. He gives me that smile of his—the small, crooked one, the really cute one that's completely honest—and I grin back at him before he returns to his test.

I'm looking down too, now, but my eyes refuse to focus on the questions.

Junhwan is my oldest, best friend, and I...I  _want_ him. I want him so bad.

* * *

Nearly the end of the summer monsoon season, and the weather is still uncomfortably muggy, but the sky is bright and the clouds don't hint at any rain today. In the last couple months, I haven't actually done anything about my extra feelings for Junhwan, except try to block them out, but it's only gotten worse.

It's not just the sudden revelation that I'm... _in love_ with—pining after, attracted to, lusting for, whatever—my best friend. There's guilt mixed in there too, and self-flagellation, and a persistent feeling of wrongness.

I've always been uninterested in girls, and I've come to learn, over the years, that this was deviant behavior. The way my eyes would be helplessly drawn to sharp angles, to lean hips and corded neck muscles, to flat planes instead of ample curves...it wasn't normal. Not entirely wrong, but not _right,_ either. No one around me was like this. At least, they weren't broadcasting it, and I didn't know how to tell if they were.

"Wanna talk about it?" Junhwan asks, grinning brightly, and I stop my train of thought. It's really too nice a day to be dwelling on it anyway.

We're sitting at our usual bench on the highest hill in the park, our backs to the trees and the beach below, waiting to watch the late summer sun sink behind the western hills. It's become something of a ritual for us, timing and weather permitting, ever since we started taking this route home from school. 

"Talk about what?"

"Come on, Gyungtae. You're so obviously broody these days it's making _me_ depressed."

I try to give him a real smile. "There's nothing to talk about." I think I failed.

Junhwan's grin melts into his more sincere, crooked smile. His down-turned eyes are unbearably kind. "Gyungtae. You're my best friend."

And that was a big part of the problem, wasn't it? 

"Talk to me," he goes on softly, leaning into me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. It's a familiar and comforting gesture, but now it also makes me tense up. "You know you can tell me anything and I won't judge you. You know I'll always love you."

It's pretty amazing how those words spill out so easily from him still. I've gotten self-conscious about saying it, years back when I figured out I was gay, that I've forced myself to stop.

Still. I try to be lighthearted. "Won't judge, huh? You're such a liar."

Junhwan huffs out a laugh. "Oh sure, sometimes. Everyone's a bit of a liar." His arm tightens for a moment, and then he pulls me down a bit so he can bump his head against my cheek. "But not about serious things. Not when they concern you."

He leans forward to look up into my eyes. I can barely hold his gaze for a few seconds before I have to turn my head away.

"Never when they're bringing down my indomitable best friend."

I stare at my hands, unable to force them to stop fidgeting. They're shaking a little too. Junhwan still has his arm around me, his hand gripping my upper bicep, and it brings me such a profound sense of security.

Fuck. What the hell. 

I trust Junhwan. I've always trusted him to stand by me. He hasn't failed me yet. 

"...I...I lo—..." It comes out as a hesitant mumble, but I have to finish what I started. Except. I chicken out of the actual confession, and end with a weak, "...I like boys."

"Oh." Junhwan's arm doesn't even twitch. "Is _that_ all?"

"What?!" I pull away, and his hand slides down my back a bit before he props it on the back of the bench. "'Is _that a'—!_ Junhwan...I'm fucked up. I'm not normal! I'm a fucking _homo."_

"I guess I kind of knew already, but I wanted you to tell me when you were ready."

Whatever else I was going to mindlessly say escapes me then and I deflate. This...was a sudden and easy victory. I settle down, laughing a little. "Damn. Am I...is it really obvious?"

"No, Gyungtae." Junhwan rolls his eyes but his mouth is curved up into that stupid cute smile of his. "Nobody's gonna think you're gay just by looking at you. I just noticed because we do everything together except, you know, admire girls."

"It's called self-discipline, Junhwan. Any guy can tone down that shit."

"Uh huh. That might be a bit of an overestimation. And I've seen the way you look at guys," he teases, casually playing with the short strands of my hair. This is another distracting habit of his. "Now that you're out to me...heh. You're welcome to share your own observations with me."

"Nah, I'll keep it to myself."

He keeps petting my hair for a few more silent moments. I'm content to just sit, right beside my best friend, and enjoy the touch. I should probably feel a bit guilty about this, but...it feels too good.

"Thank you for telling me, Gyungtae."

"...You make all of—of this," I gesture aimlessly, "seem so...inconsequential."

"Gyungtae. You _know_ "—he gently pokes my chest, right above my heart—"that being gay isn't unnatural, whatever some stuffy assholes have to say about it. It's just one part of what makes you who you are, and I love you for it." 

The real secret is still festering inside me, but I'm okay with that, I'm okay with everything right now. It feels really fucking good to know, for sure, that Junhwan accepts this—accepts all of me—so wholeheartedly. I don't think I can continue to see myself as some abnormality, not when Junhwan looks at me like he always does, with all his steadfast sincerity and sweetness. 

I don't ever want to lose that constancy.

I don't want to lose my best friend, my other half. I don't want to fuck up the stability between us. It scares me that, with one misplaced confession, I almost might have.

Junhwan has his arm around me again. In this humid summer evening, this closeness shouldn't be as pleasant as it is. The sun is halfway set already, and we watch it fully disappear in comfortable silence.

* * *

We might play rough with each other, but we don't really get into heated arguments. Any serious competition—any "fight" between us—is physical, never verbal or emotional. This is just our way. 

We're tussling around barefoot on the nearly empty beach, the cuffs of our pants rolled up to our knees and drying slowly. It's a bright Sunday in the middle of autumn, but the water isn't cold enough to discourage us from wading into it. The second semester has been pretty busy, with increased schoolwork and the looming stress of college entrance exams next year, and all of that is helping me keep my stupid feelings at bay.

And, oh, is my confidence is peaking lately. I'm conquering my emotions! Being less stupid! It was just a fleeting thing after all. It really is possible to separate the love I have for my best friend from the flighty, insignificant attraction I feel for guys in general. I have everything under control.

I stop thinking, to focus on the match. The wrestling is a fun little break from just about everything, but there are other distractions... 

"I got the new game yesterday. You're coming over to play, right?" I ask Junhwan, right before I dart in and grab him. 

So, I don't spend every waking hour studying, like responsible high school students should be doing. We've been looking forward to the latest release though—we can't not play it, even though Junhwan kind of sucks at videogames. 

Junhwan struggles against my headlock and huffs out, "Can't. Got a date tonight."

What...? 

I release him abruptly, before he can use any of his fancy judo moves on me, and he gracelessly topples back onto his ass.

"You never told me."

"Sorry Gyungtae, but we can always play another time! This girl's really sweet," he says, grinning up at me while he brushes sand off his hair. 

We're never mean to each other, not really. We don't do confrontation beyond our roughhousing. 

Junhwan leans back on his hands, soaking in the sunlight. Oblivious. "And you know I can't turn down a girl, especially one as pretty as—"

We give and give to each other. We concede and we agree. We just don't _have_ fights, that's not our thing. Our friendship has thrived for more than a decade without conflicts like that.

This is why, right now, I feel like I'm being sucked into some alternate reality by the frighteningly sudden wave of an intense emotion I'm not used to. I can't stop myself from interrupting him. "Fine. Go to your stupid date." 

"...Gyungtae?"

"You should've told me though." 

It's become something of a regular occurrence: girls flocking to Junhwan, some even having the courage to ask him out, and him accepting. Going on casual dates. And who knows what else he does with those girls? I shouldn't be surprised. But he's always let me known beforehand.

"I didn't think I'd need to."

Junhwan's always been popular. Our middle year of high school is almost over, and his popularity's only increased. Girls love his muscles, his handsome face...his cute, easy smile and friendly personality and that soft-spokenness that makes him unthreatening and appealing and— And he really does enjoy the dating scene, seeing as he happily spends time and effort for it. I know how much he likes it, because I took more interest in his love life before I fucked up with my own feelings. Now I separate myself from that part of his life.

"And, you know, it's good for us to do some things without each other. Spend time with ourselves and our other friends."

I try to ignore his dating life, but I'm not so sure it's a smart move, because he really goes on quite a few dates, and these days it feels increasingly like he...like I'm losing him. Or something. And it's not a good feeling.

"Yeah. I know that. _Fuck."_

Okay. Maybe I don't have everything under control. I'm still hopelessly in love with Junhwan. I'm still feeling things that are scaring me, making me lose control over myself. The momentum behind all the strange and familiar emotions is growing and I can't stop it.

"I'm sorry. I'm so _fucking_ sorry for monopolizing your time, Junhwan!"

What am I doing?

"You're _only_ my best friend!" 

Junhwan is looking up at me with wide eyes. "She's...Gyungtae, it's just a little date. She's just some random girl." 

He picks himself up off the sand. There's pressure still building up inside me.

"And you don't care about who, or even whether I date. That's why I didn't bother telling you this time." He's keeping his voice soft, calm. He's smiling. "Hah, and you know my mom's always pushing me about meeting girls." Junhwan's trying to be playful about all this. 

"Yeah. Whatever." What the fuck am I doing? "I'm going home."

"Gyungtae? Hey, just, wait a sec—"

I wrench my arm out of his grasp and shove him back.

"Fuck off. Go on your date, go hang out with your other friends."

I barely remember to grab my shoes, and then I'm running.

It must be shock or something. There's nothing in my head. Nothing but the rhythmic pounding of my feet on concrete, grass, asphalt, brick curbs and polished tiles. Before I know it, I'm jogging up the 20 flights of stairs up to my home. My head and heart are pounding madly, and not entirely from the sudden workout.

Mom's not home yet, good. I throw myself on the bed, catch my breath until I'm rational enough to actually process my thoughts. 

The clock ticks on noisily while my heartbeat slows down.

...It was such an ugly emotion I'd felt back there. I didn't know I was capable of feeling that kind of absurdly deep jealousy, so strongly and so fully. 

Well. Fuck.

That had been stupid. And petty. And utterly fucking _irrational._ I stuff my pillow into my face until I can't breathe.

Then I automatically check my phone and the messages that Junhwan has, of course, sent me. It takes me a minute to absorb the fact that he cancelled his date. And was coming over right now.

 _What the fuck NO_ , is my immediate reaction.

For some wild reason, I can't face him, not now. I just don't have the courage to look at him again—

I have other friends too. A few of whom I could definitely impose on for a night or two. After sending off a couple texts, I stuff some clothes and my toothbrush into my duffel bag and run out the door. 

Sometimes I'm a coward. It doesn't even hurt to admit it, when it comes to Junhwan.

* * *

"Uhhh, did you and Junhwan have a fight or something?"

I don't bother answering. My head is filled with thoughts about how to avoid Junhwan, and I'm too caught up with actually avoiding his attempts to catch my gaze.

After staying over at a friend's house, and then skipping all of school yesterday before sleeping over at another friend's house, I felt guilty and a bit too anxious to skip again today. There's an exam today too, and I've never made it a habit to miss those. I'd come to class with only a minute to spare and forced a classmate to switch seats with me, so that I'm at the back of the room and  _not_ sitting next to Junhwan. Some semblance of distance, I think, makes it so much easier to not accidentally talk and embarrass myself again with him...

I've done a good job of ignoring him up until I settled into the unfamiliar desk, but then there's a lapse and I look up briefly and—oh. Oh no.

I can't look him in the eyes. I just can't. Especially not when he looks so fucking sad, with his wide eyes and an uncharacteristic downturn of his lips, and all because I was a stupidly jealous dumbass. His expression is making my chest ache, and everything is just...impossible.

I bury my head in my arms, resolutely, and keep my head down through the rest of the lesson.

Only a few hours later, my resolve crumbles to nothing.

I really can't bear it anymore: the silence I forced between us, the looks he keeps giving me, the guilt eating away at my conscience.

I _need_ to make things right between us, because everything right now feels too surreal, off-balance, wrong. But...I use the excuse of a pre-season basketball club meeting to delay the reconciliation, just a little longer. After the meeting, which I paid zero attention to, I take my time exiting the school grounds before setting my feet on a familiar path. It's the same route we always take, the easy two-mile walk through our park, but today it feels like my feet are mired in sand and every step I take is exhausting.

When I see the solid outline of Junhwan's back, slouched over on our bench, I feel more relieved than anything. Which, now in the clarity of thought I've regained, doesn't really make sense. Because I know for a fact that Junhwan will always _be_ there.

I drag my body over and sit next to him. We don't say anything until the sun is fully hidden behind the skyline. I take a deep breath, but I don't get the chance to speak first.

"I missed you yesterday."

"Junhwan, I'm sorry." We're not looking at each other. The tension in my shoulders is uncomfortable. "I don't know what came over me. It was all...really stupid." 

I finally look at him. He's biting his lip, but otherwise he doesn't look so dejected anymore. Seeing his lightened expression brings back my own smile. 

"I'm sorry I took so long to apologize."

"And I'm sorry for—"

"Don't. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm...I'm also sorry you bailed on your date because of me. Could you give my apologies to the girl?" 

"Sure." Junhwan straightens up, finally gives me his crooked smile. "I'll do that if it'll make you feel better." 

Before I can react, his arms are wrapped tight around me, and he's laughing into the collar of my shirt. All the tension and misery and stupid anxieties of the past couple days leave me in a rush. 

"Here you are, worrying about some girl neither of us know, while I was agonizing over the possibility you might never come back into my arms again." He sighs loudly.

"Junhwan..." 

It's like coming home. Fuck. It really hasn't even been two days. It's so...so pathetic, but I'd missed all this—missed _him_ —so much. His casual touches, his affectionate teasing, his warmth, the sheer solidity he provides me. I...need to stop thinking like this, but I can't.

"Stop being silly, Junhwan. I'm trying to be serious here."

"I'm being serious, too, Gyungtae," he whispers, and I can hear the smile in those words. 

He doesn't let go of me until a while later. I don't mind. And now it's like everything's returned to normal.

Yeah.

I don't want to lose any of this.

Normalcy. Peace. Familiarity and comfort. There's no reason to disturb the perfect equilibrium of our friendship. Not with my own lack of control, and especially not with pointless fights born from such a shitty emotion like _jealousy_  of all things. That belongs nowhere near our relationship. I need things to be normal, and calm. I need Junhwan to remain as my constant.

* * *

 Gyungtae & Junhwan 


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Translations**  
>  pepero (빼빼로) = Korean pocky  
> sunbae (선배) = "senior/upperclassman" (Japanese equivalent = "senpai")

"Gyungtae~ let's play," Junhwan says, brandishing a stick of my favorite brand of strawberry-flavored pepero.

We've just finished eating lunch, and everyone who's still hanging out in the classroom is making a racket around us. Today is 11/11, Pepero Day. Just one of those silly observances that helps break up the monotony of the school days, a fun excuse to show affection—platonic or otherwise—for friends. And the giddiness of the majority of the student body is tangible and loud, especially since all the third years have gotten their college entrance exams over with last week.

Junhwan and I always go with it, but this year... "Go get your girlfriend to play with you."

"Come on, Gyungtae, it's tradition!" 

The guys around us chime in jokingly with their agreement. This whole day, with all its affectionate implications, is a joke to them as much as it is to Junhwan. In fact, I should be feeling as lightly as them.

"And you know I've got nobody but you right now," Junhwan says, a little softer, maybe even a little more seriously.

"So go confess to a girl. I'm sure there's a few out there that really want your, ah, pepero."

Junhwan and I glance out the window into the hallway at the same time. 

Sure enough, I can see a few girls from different classes looking in, and then giggling when Junhwan waves and flashes a smile at them. I give him a significant look, while the guys around us laugh and elbow him, and he just smiles crookedly at me. 

"You're the only one for me," he says, waving the pepero in front of my face. "Come on."

I hesitate for one more second before giving in. It's hard to resist Junhwan's earnest smile and the silly kissy face he makes as he gently bites one end of the pepero.

Between any two friends who _aren't actually gay for each other_  thank-you-very-much, the pepero game is never a remotely serious bit of play. Whenever Junhwan and I celebrated Pepero Day, we always ended up meeting at the middle in a tie, and I've never taken those "kisses" seriously...but this year is definitely not the same. I'm already way too flustered when my best friend leans toward me. It's difficult to pretend like my stupid feelings for Junhwan don't exist. It's difficult when things that previously seemed like normal, platonically affectionate best-friend things to do, now have a...more heated tinge to it. Making my heart race. Stuffing my head with clouds.

I try to focus on the cookie, at everywhere but Junhwan's face. The game is only momentary, but I'm hyperaware of every movement. And...I can't help it—I end up looking at Junhwan after all. His eyes are narrowed, and there's a devious tilt to his grin as he holds my gaze. Okay. So in previous games, I might have felt a _little_ thrill whenever our lips touched, maintained animated contact, before we ran out of pepero and pulled away at the same time, laughing. But that's perfectly normal, right?

...I can't do this today, with Junhwan still _looking_ at me like that.

Our noses bump lightly when I bite off my end and lean back in my chair. The guys around us are making a racket, but all I can register is Junhwan's exaggerated, "Whaaat, I don't get a kiss this year? I feel so unloved!" 

I snatch the pack of strawberry pepero from Junhwan's grasp and stuff my mouth with a few sticks just to have an excuse not to say anything. 

"Fine," he huffs, "I'll go find a girl who'll play with me." And off he goes to spread his abundant affection. I watch him fondly for a while before taking out a notebook to occupy myself and definitely to _stop thinking stupid mushy thoughts_ about my best friend.

We touch each other all the time, it's easy to forget we're even doing it. For the both of us, it's as natural as breathing. So what's wrong with a playful kiss? We've done it unthinkingly before. 

My messy handwriting blurs across my vision. What's wrong is that now, with my stupid desires, I guess even a fake pepero kiss automatically means something more. It's a constant internal war: I want to kiss him, to be able to touch even more freely, to get closer...but I also want to preserve what we already have. 

When my eyes find Junhwan again, he's happily flirting with the girls who are gathered around him, sharing his favorite almond chocolate pepero with all of them. The blatant reminder of Junhwan's heterosexuality is a welcome one, all the better for the inexplicable twinge in my chest that makes me turn away from the scene.

* * *

It's the beginning of the school's three-week winter break and I'm sitting at a bar, jittery with nerves, with only the glass of beer in my hands to anchor me. Curiosity had gotten the best of me, and I'd looked up some local gay establishments before deciding to sneak into this one. I'm a bit relieved that it's easy for me to blend in with the rest of the youngish patrons. The bartender didn't even check my ID, which seems irresponsible...but I'm not complaining.

Hopefully not acting too much like the totally inexperienced teenager that I am, I take a sip of my drink and look around, for lack of better things to do. I'm doing a lot of looking, all the while asking myself why I'm doing this. Maybe I would find...something, I keep telling myself, I'm just not sure what, though. 

The music is pounding into my head, upbeat and distracting but not unenjoyable. The place is pretty packed, and there's plenty for me to admire here. More bare skin and muscles on display than I expected, and also a lot of...flamboyance. It's a completely different world, overwhelming, and I feel just as out place as I would be if I'd come in my uniform. 

I've decided that I would leave right after I finish this drink, when I vaguely register someone claiming the seat beside me. 

"If I'd known you were gay, I'd've made a move earlier." 

It's a very familiar voice, and I actually look at my neighbor. Graduating senior and power forward in our basketball team... "Jaeshin-sunbae?" 

"Good evening, Gyungtae." He has a charming smile, one I've definitely noticed during our practices. 

"What are you doing here?" The stupid question just slips out in the surprise and momentary discomfort of losing my anonymity.

"This is one of the few good places for a bit of fun around here," he answers readily, and we go on to talk for a few more minutes. 

This gives me time to get over my shock—I never suspected Jaeshin to share my proclivities—but I accept the fact quickly, and there's a comfort in seeing a familiar face in this decadent environment. I feel more at ease with each minute we spend interacting.

At least until Jaeshin asks, "Do you wanna hook up?"

I almost spit out my drink. "I, um." What the fuck is happening here?! "S-sorry sunbae, I'm not interested."  

"Oh, _ouch_." His scrunched-up expression is more playful than anything, but it immediately turns serious. "...Ohhh. You've never—" he gestures vaguely but I get the gist "—before."

"Yeah," I shrug. "I'm not really looking to change that status right now." 

"So you just walked into a gay bar, expecting...what, exactly?"

"Mm...I certainly didn't expect to meet someone I know, much less get hit on," I laugh a bit, look away from Jaeshin's smile to take a more cautious sip of my drink. It really is a surprise. "I'm just looking. I was curious."

"Well, I'm glad you decided to indulge your curiosity. You look good out of uniform." 

He reaches for my hand, and, still feeling generally confused about whatever is happening, I let him play with it.

"All right," he says after a bit. "If screwing around is just too depraved for you, how about we date?"

I fumble my nearly empty glass, flustered but not really opposed to the suggestion. I just don't know why Jaeshin would want to date me, if apparently he's more of a hookup kind of guy.

This whole sequence of events is making me feel so lost. I don't know the first thing about the requirements and expectations of dating. But...my sense of adventure is kicking at me, raring to try it out. It's a chance to find that _something_.

All I can respond with, though, is a lame, "Okay."

Jaeshin laughs softly. "Okay, good." 

Then he asks if I wanted to dance, and I have to refuse. "I should get going anyway."

"Curfew?"

"Nah, I just...I think I've had enough of this scene."

"Ah," he nods. "I understand."

He still hasn't let go of my hand. Even when we're exchanging phone numbers, his grip is steady and warm. "I'll text you later then," he says. Then he lifts my hand to kiss the knuckles, grinning like he knows just how fucking cheesy it is. 

I laugh and wave goodbye, then weave my way through the roiling mass of sweaty, masculine bodies and hurry out the door. I feel strangely lighthearted the entire walk home. 

Late next afternoon, Jaeshin texts me while Junhwan and I are lazing about in my room. He sure has a lot to ask. 'What are you doing? What do you think of this or that place? You're actually studying? How's that going? Who are you with? Oh, that Junhwan?' and on and on. My thumbs almost cramp up from all the messages I'm sending back.

"Soooo," Junhwan says as he decides on a videogame. "Who're you so busily texting?"

"This guy I'm...I guess dating." Well, that was the term Jaeshin had used. I'm still feeling off-balance about it.

Junhwan snorts. "You 'guess'? When did you even get a boyfriend?"

"I know. Weird, huh? I was just minding my own business yesterday and then bam, the guy practically falls into my lap. It's Jaeshin, from our basketball club."

"...I see." The bed dips as Junhwan crowds into my space and leans against my shoulder. He's craning his head to peek at my phone. "And how did all that happen?"

His face is close, expression curious, and I duck my head. "I was at a bar..."

"You didn't invite me to sneak in with you!?"

"It was a gay bar, it's not your scene." Embarrassment is heating up my face. "Well, it's not really mine, either..."

"Still, way to abandon your best friend."

"Pfff, you were off on a date yourself, Junhwan, remember?" And I'd been feeling a little too pathetic, thinking about that, so I'd gone out.

There's a short silence. I look up at the TV screen to see that the game is done loading.

"Right. Let's play." I send off one last text to finalize my first date and toss the phone on my bedside table. Junhwan grins at me and hands me a controller, pulling away to sit cross-legged next to me. We settle down to spend the rest of the night playing videogames.

* * *

"We should go watch that new sci-fi movie," Junhwan's casual suggestion breaks the comfortable silence between us, and I look up from my textbook. He's smiling crookedly at me, his pencil poised above his notes. "It premieres tomorrow night." 

We're studying in his apartment, sitting opposite each other on cushions at his floor table, bundled up sweaters to ward off the winter chill that bypasses the warmth of the apartment's underfloor heating. I've been so caught up in the studious atmosphere that it takes me a few seconds before I remember: "I'm actually going to see that with Jaeshin."

Junhwan's smile falls a bit and he sighs lightly, leaning back and giving me an exasperated look. "Gyungtae, you gotta keep me at least somewhat informed about your dates."

"Sorry, sorry," I wave off the teasing admonition. "You know I don't talk about that kind of trivial stuff."

"Hey, just because _you_ don't care about my dating doesn't mean I'm not curious about yours. And what would your boyfriend think of you referring to your dates as 'trivial'?"

"It's just dating." 

Seriously: eating, hanging out, taking walks, watching some movie—those aren't particularly noteworthy activities. The kisses are somewhat more interesting. And the wandering hands, the unsubtle caresses. I'm aware that Jaeshin has needs he's suppressing to indulge me, and...I pause that line of thought.

"But um. Yeah. I should've told you about this one."

"All right, then we should watch something else later, as a reward for doing all this studying."

I definitely agree, and then we're back into the momentum of studying.

Sort of. I can't stop thinking about the more handsy aspects of dating Jaeshin.

Two weeks into winter break, and I've had three dates with him. The last two times, he's stolen kisses in dark corners, teaching me some actual technique and tempting me with the exhilaration of skin contact and heat, of that certain kind of intimate secrecy that hangs around at night.

And there's a lingering guilt, because I spent at least half of my time with him thinking about doing those things with Junhwan instead...

No. I shove all that aside and focus again on the dry text, until I lose track of the time. By the time Junhwan decides to call it a night, I'm feeling too lazy to take the several flights of stairs home, so I end up sleeping over.

When I wake up, weak sunlight is creeping through the blinds. It takes a second to remember I'm curled up in Junhwan's bed, and then I resolutely decide that it's too late for my usual morning run. I close my eyes again and burrow into the human furnace at my back. 

And then jolt completely awake at the conspicuous feeling of something poking my ass. Oh. 

It's a really foreign feeling, but it's...not a bad one at all. I move again, just a tiny bit, to chase that sensation again through the frantic pattering that's starting up in my chest.

Then I slap myself—mentally, I don't want to dislodge Junhwan's arm around me—to get it the fuck together. This is wrong on so many levels. 

Junhwan's breathing is still soft and regular between my shoulder blades. I shift my body so it's not flush against his and then lie still, eyes shut, enjoying the _very innocent_ closeness and warmth. We've had countless sleepovers before and shared each other's bed quite a few times. Maybe it's a bit weird for two teenage guys to still do this, but we're best friends and it's just what we've always done. It's all supposed to be chaste and definitely not gay, but these days, with my state of mind, it's...okay, yeah, it's a bit dangerous. 

My pulse has barely calmed down when Junhwan groans softly and tightens his arm around me, rubbing his face into my back. Something else is rubbing my ass again, as the leg he's thrown over mine moves slowly up my thigh and...right. Time to stop focusing on all the wrong things. If I let this go on any longer, I'm going to be in a similar state, but it won't be a normal, completely innocent, totally spontaneous physiological reaction like Junhwan's, and I absolutely do not want that.

"Yo, Junhwan," I whisper, nudging his arm.

He snuffles awake and lies there for several heartbeats. Then he sits up, scoots back really quickly. "Ohshit. Ooops."

Once released, I roll over onto my back into the warm depression that Junhwan's left behind and stretch out some of the kinks in my shoulders.

"Sorry, Gyungtae." He's looking blearily down at me.

"It happens, don't worry about it." This self-discipline thing regarding my less-than-pure feelings for Junhwan is difficult, but I'm getting a lot of practice these days! I've played off this whole incident coolly enough I'm rather proud of myself.

Junhwan is still staring at me, dazed from sleep, and I have to smile. So adorable. He's not as much of a morning person as I am.

I get up and guide him towards his bathroom. "Let's go for a run. Then we can have lunch and we can study some more!" and his only response is unintelligible grumbling as he rubs some of the sleep out of his eyes. It's the start of another beautiful day with my best friend. 

* * *

Sunday night before school resumes, and I'm sitting in a restaurant with Jaeshin, wondering for the millionth time what Junhwan gets out of dating. I still don't understand the appeal. It's fun in some ways, but mostly it feels like a time sink. My thoughts keep straying to my best friend, how his own date would be going.

Junhwan would be the perfect gentleman to lucky girl number whatever, holding her purse and opening doors and anything else guys are supposed to do for their date. His eyes would sparkle behind those wavy bangs as he smiles. He would unconsciously nibble his bottom lip and if girls noticed that kind of stuff, his date would definitely be looking, because Junhwan seriously has some very kissable lips. And his hands—sturdy and callused, warm—would constantly be touching, gesturing, while his voice would maintain that soft-spoken calm.

I know there's no reason, no right, for me to feel unsatisfied or jealous. As my best friend, he already gives me enough of his time and affection, but...

"You're cute when you're thinking about your friend." 

...Fuck. Jaeshin is peering at me, chin propped in his hand. 

"It's not really obvious, but I can tell when I'm not the first person on my date's mind. You'd rather be with your best friend, I get it."

I duck my head. It sounds so inconsiderate of me when it's put into words like that, even if he doesn't seem offended.

"Are you ever going to tell him?" His voice is sympathetic.

"There's nothing to tell—..."

It's an automatic lie and both of us know it.

I shake my head, whispering, "Please don't mention anything to him, sunbae." They barely know each other, I shouldn't be so worried...but it's my biggest source of anxiety.

"I won't. You should really say something though."

No way. "He's not like us. And...I don't want to disrupt what we have."

Jaeshin just gives me a smile. We talk about less precarious topics while we finish our dinner. He walks with me back to my neighborhood. 

There's a small playground on the outskirts of my apartment complex, deserted at this time of night. We're hidden behind the trees lining the edge of the playground when Junhwan gives me a kiss, and then breaks up with me. I just nod silently—what am I supposed to say?—and he huffs out a laugh.

"I'll see you at practice," he says with his charming smile, ruffling my hair.

After we say our good nights and Jaeshin disappears around a corner, I walk over to sit in one of the swings. I'm pretty sure I should feel less equanimous about what just happened, but. I don't. I'm messed up. And then I'm thinking about nothing much, just enjoying the crisp winter air.

I don't know how long I've been sitting when I hear a familiar trudge behind me.

"Hey Gyungtae."

I turn my head to look at my best friend. "Yo, Junhwan."

"So, how was your date?" He's asked about all five of my dates with Jaeshin, and so far I've kept all my answers brief and probably unsatisfying. 

"It went well," I shrug. "We broke up."

"...Oh." He drapes his arms over my shoulders and rests his chin on top of my head. "Jeez, I'm sorry." 

He's warm and I don't even care about whatever happened earlier. "It was a friendly breakup," I murmur. "We didn't have a serious thing going anyway."

"Still." Junhwan's voice is as soft as mine. "Breakups are always kind of awkward."

"Mm. I don't think I'm cut out for the dating scene."

Junhwan snorts. "Really?" He cups my chin and tilts my head up.  

Upside-down view is disorienting. Closing my eyes, I tip my head back onto Junhwan's chest. "Yeah." His hand is warm and unwavering. "Like I still don't know why you think dating's so interesting."

"I should probably feel sorry for you, but I won't lie. I'm actually glad to hear this." Junhwan's thumb twitches, brushing against my bottom lip. "Means you have more time for me." 

"Who was the one who said we should ease up on each other?" 

"I know..." His warm breath tickles my chin, and he doesn't say anything more for a while. I just keep leaning on him, and it feels like a long time before the warmth of his hand leaves my face.

"Come on," he says, giving me a moment to balance myself before he moves away. "Let's go inside. It's cold and I'm tired and the prospect of classes tomorrow is giving me a headache."

Good idea. I stand up, give Junhwan a look, and then dart away. He laughs as he gives chase. It really is cold, and a friendly race would nicely cap the end of our winter break.


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Translations**  
>  CSAT (대학수학능력시험 abbreviated as Suneung/수능) = College Scholastic Ability Test  
> hagwon (학원) = academy or "cram school" popular in South Korea, providing supplementary education  
>  **Note:** The South Korean school system is divided into 2 terms: 1st semester (early-March to mid-July); summer break (til late-August); 2nd semester (late-August to mid-February), interrupted by winter break (late-December to late-January).

"Hey Junhwan," calls Jaeshin, grinning cheekily, and some of the other guys take their attention off their drills to echo the greeting.

"Hello, Jaeshin-sunbae." Junhwan has a polite smile on his face as he nods, gripping my shoulder for a moment in wordless greeting, and turns away to climb up the bleachers. It's heartening to know that he still makes a habit of his visits, even when he could be doing something else.

I happily turn back to practice. After winter break—the month spanning the last couple weeks of school, break, and the first week of the new academic year—is a flurry of inter-school club basketball tournaments, which means I have to spend a lot more time with my team. There's also the last batch of second-year exams to study for. And, with my parents enrolling me in hagwons to prepare for the CSAT, Junhwan and I are barely going to have time for each other in our final, grueling year of high school.

When practice ends, before I can run up the bleachers, Jaeshin lightly grabs me by the arm with his charming smile. "I could feel your friend's glare drilling a hole in my back all through practice."

I laugh a bit at the attempt at teasing. It's nice that, even with less than a month until graduation, Jaeshin-sunbae is dedicated enough to attend practices and mentor us younger guys, but he's become a bit too nosy. Junhwan doesn't really have any intimidating expressions; he's got no reason to be angry or jealous or whatever Jaeshin is playfully reading into. As a matter of fact, when I look again, Junhwan is making his way down the steps of the bleachers with a perfectly pleasant smile.

Jaeshin shrugs, grinning widely, and then wraps an arm around my shoulders in a brisk, manly hug to murmur into my ear, "Seriously though, talk to him." The heat of his arm is a distant sensation as I watch Junhwan's approach. My best friend is looking at us curiously, eyebrows raised, and Jaeshin says, to both of us, "Study smart," and to me a pointed, "and good luck!" as he detaches himself with a slap to my shoulder.

Good luck...sure. It's really kind of him to look out for me, but I've already decided not to pursue anything. I'm content where I am.

I sneak glances at Junhwan's expressive hands, his perpetual smile, his pretty eyes, as we leave side-by-side, chatting about the day, about his current girl, about upcoming tests this week. It's going to be another long evening of studying, but such is the life of a student, and really...it's not bad at all, when I have Junhwan by my side.

* * *

Our birthdays are nine days apart in early March, and we celebrate our 18th together on the weekend between the two dates. It's a small, quiet family affair between our families on Saturday evening. Sunday is a day for only ourselves, where we just do shit together.

The bright blue sky is only partly cloudy today, and the friendly sunlight and brisk air deserve to be enjoyed, so we decide on a leisurely bike ride along the city's coast. Days like this are nothing really special, yet at the same time they're all-consuming.

With Junhwan, I can live fully in the present. We talk about everything and nothing, and I can forget about the ever-looming stress of student obligations. I won't remember the little conversations, aimless and filling the space between us with warmth. It's the laughter and exhilaration, the sparkle in Junhwan's eyes as we race, that will be engraved in my memory. The lightness in my soul and the strength of my racing heartbeat as we pedal furiously up hills and down boardwalks, the absolute happiness I feel as we weave through vendor stalls and tourists in Haeundae Beach and debate pointlessly on what we're going to eat for lunch and snack and maybe dinner.

Late afternoon, we end up in a small clearing atop a low, flat cliff, hidden from the main trail by thick bushes and flowering trees and leading down to a tiny rocky beach. It's a place we've stumbled on years ago, during one of our expeditions.

"You decide on a university yet?" Junhwan asks after we've chosen a spot to lie down on.

"Whichever I get accepted to. Probably won't be able to follow you though..."

"Hey, we promised we'd go up-country together! We can do it."

"We're going to have to emancipate ourselves from each other someday." That prospect hurts, because I don't want to be away from Junhwan. But he's smart and bright and he deserves the best.

"Gyungtae...I want us to stay together through college."

"I didn't say I won't apply. I take the exams just as seriously as anyone. Just don't expect me to reach Seoul."

"Let's do our best."

"Yeah." I would try. "Hey, I haven't actually thought of many back-ups. Wanna pick some out with me later?"

"Of course."

And then it's mostly silence between us again, the safe and comfortable kind. Just when I feel like I'm going to fall asleep, Junhwan speaks again.

"So. How's your love life?"

Always so curious. He knows I'm not going to open up about it first, and while I appreciate that he wants to talk...well... "Not as colorful as yours. I'm not smart enough to juggle third year and dating."

"Seriously? Come on, you can totally do it."

"I don't want to."

"But it's just a bit of easy fun."

 _Easy_? "...Why the hell are we on this?"

"I'm just concerned about my best buddy. You're eighteen and you're going to finish high school without experiencing all the fun."

"Doesn't matter, Junhwan. Dating isn't important."

"You know," he says pleasantly, "you're not even trying. It's like you don't care. Like you really don't feel _any_ thing."

"Hmm. Remember the one thing I've always been leagues better than you at? Self-discipline?"

"Yeah," he snorts, "that sounds _real_ cool and all..."

"Yep."

"...but you're lying. All lies."

"Nah. Dating, kissing, sex, whatever. That shit's just not important."

"Okay, fine. But you really can't be Mr. Cool if you're a virgin."

"They're not mutually exclusive."

Junhwan huffs cutely as he leans over me. "Don't you want to try new things?" He flicks my nose, and my heartbeat picks up slightly as he smiles softly. "Go and have fun! But tell me when you dive into the dating pool so I can vet the guys. I'm not going to let just _any_ hoodlum snatch up my beloved Gyungtae."

"Nosy," I mutter, closing my eyes. He's still hovering over me and now he's lightly petting my hair and fuck, it's hard to tamp down on my nervousness.

"I gotta be, if I want you to share your secrets with me."

"We're sharing now, aren't we? Don't worry, Junhwan, you're my best friend, you'll be the first to know any of my secrets."

"...Yeah..." For a few long moments, he doesn't say anything. "We _are_ best friends, and you know I love you, right? You know there's nothing that will ever come between us."

"I know." I blink up at his neutral expression. It's kind of difficult to stop myself from reaching up to touch his face, but I manage by grabbing a handful of crispy grass. "You're very sappy today," I tease. "Been hanging out too much with the girls, I think."

"Hmm...have I?" he mutters. The moment stretches on too long before Junhwan looks away and hauls his weight off me to flop onto his back.

Now I can breathe a lot easier. We fall into our comfortable silence as we lay on the grass, side by side—good job, Gyungtae...you've kept your cool, you're doing great...—watching the noisy flight of a flock of seagulls. When the last of the gulls fly across my vision, I close my eyes again. The babble of seafoam running up the beach and the crash of waves hitting the rocks in the distance are lulling me to sleep.

"Well," Junhwan speaks up again, his voice a distant comfort in the soothing eddies of my encroaching nap. "I guess I should be satisfied with the fact I was your first kiss." There's a wicked grin in his voice.

"Don't be an idiot." I swat his arm lazily. "That wasn't real," I mumble, feeling a burst of warmth as he catches my hand, "I know what _real_ kissing's like...'s enough skinship for me."

Junhwan makes a soft noise and tangles his fingers with mine...and then I'm winded when his weight drops on my stomach. "It's chilly," he mumbles into my sweatshirt.

His skull is seriously heavy, and his shoulders are slabs of muscle. He's got a point though; it's better sharing our heat. 

* * *

It's been almost exactly a year since I realized I had more-than-platonic feelings for my best friend, but I've managed to keep our relationship in its balance.

Sure, the attraction is still quietly burning and constant as ever, but I've learned to deal. Now it's integrated seamlessly, it's just another facet of our relationship. Definitely not something to wallow in, with the added load of hagwons and the pressure of CSAT just a few months away. There's really no time or energy during the long, torturous months of examination hell for anything else but cramming information until our brains are fried; we're all floundering in the miasma of third-year anxiety.

Yet I'm still thinking about us. I've been distracted by possibilities at the stupidest moments. I've slipped up at times: staring a bit too long with a dumb smile, leaning in too close when we're talking, too many lingering touches.

Junhwan has never acted any differently, affectionate and open as always. I don't know whether I'm relieved or disappointed, but I do know it's pathetic. My head's too full of essays and ethics and equations to care _that_ much, though. And...well, I've always been weak regarding my best friend, who's still _here_ , by my side. We're not as attached at the hip these days—not with our other friends in the periphery, coming and going and taking away fractions of my attention, and not with the succession of Junhwan's girlfriends—which is healthy for both of us, but nothing fundamental has changed. I still have the peace and the solid support of Junhwan's constancy, which means more than anything, more than the world to me.

The only sounds in the room are the dull click of pens against desks, the rustle of eraser on crinkling test pages, the occasional annoying sighs of frustration. The muted, atmospheric sounds of traffic far beyond the open windows, and the slight rattle of curtain blinds resisting the balmy late spring breeze.

It's too perfect a day to be stuck in class, echoing the concerns of my fellow third-years. I breathe in...out...and drop my pen, look to my right. Maybe Junhwan can hear my thoughts and share the sentiment.

His pen twitches. He lifts his head and gives me his small, cute, crooked smile...it's deja vu.

Maybe it's just the perfect spring sunlight, but for some reason, there's just something...something _more_ , brighter and hotter and so blindingly beautiful I could happily drown in that radiance as he holds my gaze for what seems like an age.

I have to look away first.

* * *

I watch when Junhwan offers his arm to yet another girl. She's pretty, and Junhwan is beautiful, and they look good together. A perfect couple.

He grins back at me and I smile back, giving him a lazy salute. It's Friday evening of the last week of the first semester, a rare moment of reprieve from the intense pressures of studying. We're going to see each other later, of course...tomorrow, if they decide to be adventurous—...I don't even want to think about that. I still refuse to stick my nose into his little romances. "Be safe" is all I can say to him.

While they're out doing the whole dating thing, I decide—not entirely consciously—to spend my evening at the bar I haven't been to since winter break. Maybe I'll feel the spark. Maybe I'll go ahead, take the next step and "have fun"...whatever that means...

It's a complete stranger this time. I don't really know what I'm doing before all of a sudden I'm in a bathroom stall with hard muscles and bared skin under my fingertips. My heart is pounding and I'm dizzy from the closeness and the sweat and the half-pint of beer I've had, and fine, I do sort of know what I'm supposed to do with my hands and my mouth and my hips but—...there's something missing.

There's been an empty space in my head where everything's just blurred together in hazy nothingness and a heavy sense of listlessness in my chest and I keep replaying in my mind: What's the point? What's the point of indulging in a momentary feeling? What will I get from fumbling with some random guy in the heat of the moment? What about my vaunted self-discipline? Do I need to experience this? Does it matter?

...No.

Junhwan's right. I'm not even trying.

I've always known I don't _want_ to try anything more if it's not with Junhwan. Did this count as an obsession?

I twist my head away from the stranger's mouth. "I'm sorry, please stop."

"Come on, don't be like that."

"No, I...sorry, I have to go. Curfew." I'm not as drunk as him, so it's not difficult to shove him off.

"Oof." He thuds into the opposite wall. "You're strong...wait. Curfew?" Now he sounds just a little more alert. "Just how old are you?"

I swallow and look down. "I'm eighteen."

"Ah. Fuck..." He sags a bit against the wall. "Shit. I'm not here to babysit some goddamn—..." he sighs. 

"Sorry," I mumble again, stupidly.

He's quiet for a few seconds, and then he briskly ruffles my hair. "This place isn't for lovesick fools," he says gruffly. I can't see his expression with the dim lighting, but he sounds more rueful than annoyed. "Figure yourself out before coming back, kid."

"I have, actually. Thanks for your help." And with a quick bow, I rush out of the stall, out of the bar, into the sticky humid night.

Yeah, I don't need this. Meaningless flings are not how I should handle myself until my thing for Junhwan cools down. I think about what I always say to him, to myself: control yourself. It's hypocritical, what I've been thinking of doing. I don't give a fuck if it's some kind of unhealthy obsession. If I want things to remain the same between us, I can't be doing dumb, impulsive shit that feels like betrayal.

My phone buzzes while I'm wandering along the shore. It's a text from Junhwan.

_Where are you??_

I type back, _Why are you texting me?_ Really, he should be paying attention to his date.

_Whoa whoa what??? I can't text my bff whenever I want? :(((_

_Don't be an asshole to your date, alright?_

_Just finished walking her home. Wanna hang?_

I blink at the unexpected news, thumb hovering over the buttons. Do I want to...? _Sorry, I'm out right now with some of the guys..._ A little white lie won't hurt here.

_Awww :'(_

_Hey, you're supposed to be happy for me! I'm having fun!!_ And then a minute passes with no response. I quickly type,  _I'll drop by tomorrow morning okay?_

_...okay.....see you..._

_Sleep tight ^^_

With that, I silence my phone and take a deep breath of the fresh sea breeze. I just need a bit of time to myself. Tomorrow, though...tomorrow's a new day, and Junhwan will be there.

* * *

A good chunk of summer break consists of reading and cramming, and before I know it, the leaves start turning.

The life of any third-year who wants to go to a great college consists of nothing but school, hagwon, study, nap, rinse and repeat. I'm pretty sure most of us feel like soulless automatons, but we don't think about how depressing that is because there's no room for that sort of mindset. I have to cut back on basketball meets as my own life is increasingly consumed by the 20-hour daily grinds leading up to the exam, and the two-month period dampens even Junhwan's spirit.

All of a sudden, November arrives. We submit our applications. The entire city pretty much goes into silent mode for the one harrowing day of CSATs.

And then we're done. And we wait.

When the time comes to check our scores, Junhwan is more nervous than I am, but I have faith in him, and it's not a surprise when he lands in the top 5 of our class. My scores aren't so bad either.

Acceptance letters start arriving in early December. Junhwan makes SNU and it's cause for celebration for his family and our class. I fall short, but I'm not disappointed. Still, it's difficult to wait for news from the other universities, and I anxiously check the mail everyday.

A week after Junhwan's letter, after I'm accepted by two of my back-ups, another thick envelope arrives. It has the KU logo on the front.

Junhwan gasps, grabbing my shoulders. His grip keeps me grounded as I open the envelope, right there in front of the apartment mailboxes, with shaking hands. He whoops with joy at the sight of the bolded words, 'Certificate of Admission'.

The depth of my relief is almost a shock to my system and I mutter numbly, "...I can't believe it."

I can go to school in Seoul, with Junhwan. Sure, SNU and KU are an hour apart in commute, but...we both made it to the SKY.

It's too fucking perfect.

I'm swept up by an uncontrollable urge, as easy and unthinking as walking, and I can't keep hiding this any longer.

I grab Junhwan's shoulders and swoop down to kiss him. 

When I ease up, Junhwan is just standing there. I don't know what to make of his absolutely neutral expression, so I don't try to figure it out. I don't know what I want to say. I can't clear my head enough to consider the repercussions of what I've just done.

My hands move independently of my thoughts to anchor themselves to his cheeks, and I press my forehead to his, close my eyes. I can't bear to see rejection in his face, but I need this closeness. I need to touch him and, "I'm sorry—..." It's painful, holding myself back from kissing him again, but my mouth is still running away from my brain apparently. "I'm so sorry, Junhwan. I just—it kills me how much I—just how much I fucking love you, how much I  _want_  all of you, so much, and I'm sorry for kissing you."

And still, Junhwan isn't _doing_  anything. I'm expecting him to push me away, do something drastic and soon, but his non-action is only giving me courage to let it all out, to keep touching and blabbering nonsense.

"It's okay if you hate me for it. If this means we can't be best friends anymore... But I had to—I mean, I just can't believe I fucking made KU and I'm so thankful you've been there, by my side for all these years to help me get to this point and I have to—I really, really have to tell you just how much I love you, because whatever you might say, you will always be my dearest friend and I don't want there to be any kind of secret between us. Even a fucked up one like this—"

"Stop it," says Junhwan, finally and firmly. All of the tension that's been building up leaves me in rush when he pulls me into a rough, tight hug. "It's _not_ fucked up, Gyungtae. Don't—please don't say things like that."

And then, for some bizarre reason, we're kissing again. 

I swear I'm not the one who moved...but whatever. I can't care any less why and how this is happening. Junhwan is kissing me, and it feels like a blissful eternity before time runs normally again.

When his lips leave mine, I open my eyes to his crooked smile. "You know..."

We're so close I can see my face reflected in his eyes. His hand reaches up to grip the back of my head, thread his fingers into my hair. It's a heady sensation, and then he kisses me again, nuzzles my cheek. I could get drunk on this.

"I've waited years to hear you say you love me again," he murmurs into my ear.

"Y-yeah?"

"Mhmm. Broke my heart, really, when you suddenly stopped and kept on _not_ telling me."

"Oh..." I feel utterly drained. "I guess...I was self-conscious." I also feel stupid. Stupid and giddy and my mouth is running on automatic, even as I'm beginning to come back to my senses. We're still in front of the mailboxes, in plain view of anyone visiting the lobby...but my arms don't want to move from around Junhwan's waist and my feet seem to weigh a ton. "That was around when I figured out what I was...—I didn't want to be obvious. And it's weird, when you think about it."

"Not weird."

"Guys don't say that kind of stuff out loud," I say as Junhwan raises an amused eyebrow. "You're an exception. You've always been more open than me, friendlier. Half the student body's in love with you because you're _you_."

"You're exaggerating." Junhwan's eyes literally sparkle when he smiles like that...he tightens his arms around me. "But really, Gyungtae...it's not weird to say what I mean."

It hits me right then, that he's all but confessed he returns my feelings.

He's  _been_ saying it the whole time.

"Hey, Gyungtae," he says softly, playfully. "You do know that we're best friends and that I love you, right?"

I blink a couple times, open my mouth. Nothing comes out.

His smile is the same—the same honest, adorable quirk of kissable lips—and I didn't think. I haven't been thinking at all, haven't been looking closer, too terrified to even dare.

"Yeah...I know..." I whisper slowly. "I love you, too."

Junhwan's eyes are so fucking pretty when he's happy...

And then, a bit stronger, "I love you, Junhwan." It's much more familiar on my tongue then, and I can't stop grinning. "I love you. Fuck, I'm gonna say it over and over until you get sick of hearing it."

Junhwan laughs—it's a sound and sight I'll never tire of. "I'll hold you to that."

* * *

END 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a really short and rushed and cheesy (I just about died writing the last part) little story...but I can't believe I actually _completed_ something...wtf...  
>  Thanks for reading! :)


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